The Tiny Gnome
Supervises your grass.
$12.00
≈ $0.000 per blade
Description
Description
A hand-painted ceramic gnome, two inches of pure authority. Place him in any plot to increase yields (unverified) and morale (undeniable). Not grass. Still essential.
The Deed
Every plot ships with its deed: provenance, specifications, and warranty, recorded for posterity. The deed is legally meaningless.
- Provenance
- Kiln 2, Stoke Ceramics
- Blade count
- 0 — ceramic
- Sunlight requirement
- Thrives in darkness. Like your hobbies.
- Watering
- Never. He judges.
- Warranty
- Lifetime. He is eternal.
Shipping & Returns
Orders leave the greenhouse within 48 hours. Shipping is calculated at checkout like a responsible adult.
Returns: 30 days, no interrogation. If your grass dies within 30 days, we replace it.
How It Ships
Your grass arrives in the Deed Box: a deed-styled box with a tiny brass plaque bearing your plot’s name. The plaque is real brass. The deed is legally meaningless.
30-Day Photosynthesis Promise
If your grass dies within 30 days, we replace it. No interrogation.
Your money is safe. For now.
As reviewed by publications that definitely exist
-
“The future of touching grass.”
— Screen Time Weekly -
“We reviewed it between naps. Five naps.”
— The Daily Nap -
“Real grass, real invoice. Journalism.”
— Grassroots Quarterly
Certified 100% Real Grass* *grass
Reviews
There are no reviews yet.